DEAR DUMB DIARY
Has it really been over two months since I've posted? Holy crap! I'm beginning to think that I'm not very good at this whole blog thing. I used to be.. but back then I was lonely and depressed. Not to mention I had an immense amount of free time on my hands. Having a life, being happy with it and doing things must really suck for my blog writing :P
Over the past month and a bit Greg has had non-stop visitors. First it was Justin and Nathan for however long, one of which is still here, second it was either Jed from across the water or Catherine from across the water Either way.. there's been constantly one person here, sometimes two.. and now we have Arvin from across the water, which I don't care about, he's nice. To be honest.. I'm sick of the orphan that has been here for a month or more straight.
I used to be friends with this kid but this monthormorelong visit where he has been living with Greg and I has allowed me to.. get to know him, in a bad way. I suppose it's just the fact that he's been here too long but now I find him extremely annoying, self centered, selfish, greedy, argumentative and stupid. Not to mention he's quite the little moocher. He leaves today, thank god. I need a break from him before I see him again in Vancouver.
Tomorrow is Greg and mines one year anniversary! Officially, anyway. I can hardly believe it's already been an entire year. It seems like it was only a few months ago we went to Calgary together but at the same time it feels like we've been together a life time. Over time we have learned so much about each other that I think we could communicate without even using words. I know his habits, his expressions, his thoughts, his feelings.. and even with this I know there will be so much more to learn in the years to come.
I hope there's years to come. I hope we grow together, change together, learn together.. love eachother. I hope, forever.
OH NO! People are awake.. gah! Had so much more I wanted to write.. oh poo. Will continue later!
Hello everyone! Everyone who reads this anyway. I know I haven't updated in quite awhile now but I do have a good reason for it! Kind of, anyway.. I haven't had the time to sit down, alone, and write down what has been going on, my thoughts and my feelings. I'm terribly sorry buuuuuuuut... With this new post I put up a new layout to make up for it! I do hope you enjoy it. (I really like it, hehe.)
This window has been open for so long.. and I'm just staring at it in the background. I just don't know what to say anymore. This house dampers my mood, it depresses me. I need things to be going on rather than just still silence in a dark room. I'm an extrovert and my energy comes from people and there's no one around. To top it off I can't escape to my cozy, comfortable haven. You can't even call my room a room.. it's just a space with a bed.
I guess it's somewhat pathetic that I let boredom and doing nothing depress me.. but I like to be active. Or rather I like activity around me. There are days where being at my house is endlessly entertaining and then there are days here being here just depresses me. Honestly I don't know what I feel right now. Maybe it's not down that I'm feeling but maybe I'm just worn out, out of energy.. I'm not entirely sure but I know that I'm not my regular self and I'm not terribly happy.
Besides from now things have been going really well.
Greg and I have been doing a hell of a lot better. We learned a lesson with our break up, that's for sure.. We communicate now, we no longer just let problems sit and build and build until we're yellng at each other. We talk things out intelleculately, maturely, without anger and yelling. Things have been going smoothly and I like it a lot this way.. I've always had some thought that beaking up in the first place was a mistake and that I shouldn't have ever done it but thinking about what has come from it I don't think I would have it any other way. Things are better now.. a lot better and I really like them.
I have a problem though and it's been an existing problem before. It's hard to even pin point what it is exactly so it's hard to even say... but I love being around him. I love doing things with him and just .. spending time with him. People need time to themselves though and I understand that but at the same time there's a part of me that thinks "Oh. I could be with him everyday and it wouldn't matter, he can't be with me?" but I know that's ridiculous and yet I can't push it from my head. I couldn't spend everyday with him.. well I could but I couldn't spend every minute of every day with him. I grew used to living with him, that was my life.. and even though it wasn`t healthy for our relationship because it was new it was what I became used to. I miss that.. I miss waking up next to him and it didn`t matter what happened in between but as long as I could come home at night and fall asleep next to him everything was OK. I miss that.. I miss my home with him. I want it back but I know we can`t do that right now and I think that`s what upsets me. I want things to be the way they used to.. I want him to be able to live with me again, someday.
Funny.. I was looking through the paper, reading the classifides and looking at places to rent.. I found some nice places, decent price, furnished, good area.. and for a moment the thought crossed my mind of how nice it would be to live on our own. I know that`s crazy though, we aren`t ready for that, not yet anyway..
I guess I`m nuts.
People are around again.. and spilling all that out made my mood lift. I`m feeling better.
I was prepared to write a big long speel about everything and now I just don't have the energy to do it. A lot has happened in this past week, these couple days. I thought everything had calmed down and when I was finally accepting it, it all came rushing back. The feelings, the memories, the want, the need..
I believe I'm a heartbreaker of sorts. I have come to realize that.. because of me people are hurting or have hurt. I know that's unavoidable but it never helps, it never makes me feel better. The only thing that made this different from any other time was because this involved a lot more. There were feelings, real and true emotions, memories, time, a life. No matter my choice, my decision.. someone was going to be hurt and for awhile their life was going to be upside down. I didn't know when I decided I was ok to be the one doing that, doing this, to people.. I guess it was when my eyes were open to what I needed, to what I wanted, to what was right.
I have no regret and I am smiling for the future. I will not stand still, I will move forward and I will be happy.
What do I do.. what do I want to do. More importantly, what do I want?
Three days. You gave me three days to make an impossible decision because what I want is not acceptable. I have two choices. Two extreme choices. I want you to be there but I can't have you the way you want to be had. This has left my mind in a state of ruin. Chaos.
I have been mind fucked. No joke. I no longer know what to think or what to do. Everything is a mess and the source of the problems is me. Is it me that provokes these situations or do they just seem to find their way to me..
With everything that has been going on what I want has been clouded and I no longer can see it clearly. Things are distorted and I'm afraid to make any decisions because they may be based off things that aren't even there, real or true.
Why... why did you have to go and say the things you did? Why did you have to see my vulnerability and attack it.. why did you have to make this so hard? Why can't things just work out.. we are fine talking and laughing. Why can't they be like that? Like friends.. why can't they be normal. We're doing it now so why does it have to all change tomorrow. Why... why can't I just let you go?
I'm afraid of losing my best friend.. it's always been hard for me to watch them walk away. To watch my friendships crumble, to break, to fall apart.. We get along so well.. to throw that away.. to see it all be worth nothing.. to lose you forever.
I know that I don't want to do it again. Feelings aren't everything. It was taking a lot more out of me than what I was getting back and nearing the end it felt that we were only friends and nothing more. Was holding each other's hand really meant for us? Like we did that anyway. I'm sorry that it had to happen this way..
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Labels: bored, Bryi, lol, lolol
Everything has calmed.. it seems almost boring now. Is it bad that I say that? (OOC:LOLOLOL) Excuse me. A day or two ago
I texted
the ex about something that he never gave me. The conversation ended in me "rofling" in his face. I didn't expect any messages when I got home but what do you know?
Offline messages. After some back and forth bickering a realization slapped me in my face.
It was pointless. He wasn't going to help and he had no desire or even thought about getting my gift to me. Oh well. Something good DID come of it though. Closure. When I talked to him before I would usually get upset and this time there was nothing. No feelings, nothing. For the first time I felt truly done with him.
"I won't say hi or look at you when we pass on the street." Harsh words. My existance to him is no more but I'm ok with it for some strange reason. This is for the better, I realize that now.
A couple days ago
him and I had a fight. A real one. It was strange. The way we acted, not the fight. I wouldn't have expected it to be like that really but hey, what can you do? I've decided that it wasn't a big deal(and pretty much my fault. Go instigiation, rofl) because we did move past it and now we have something to learn from, something to look back on. I hope that our future fights aren't like that one and that we WILL remember this one and not to repeat our actions in the future. Oh relationships.
My wallet is on the empty side. I guess it always is since I constantly use my debit card but that's useless too. I owed the
the ex $130 and then I bought a Tragically Hip ticket for $120. Thinking it over I really shouldn't have because I couldn't afford it but I DO really want to go and besides my cousin needed someone to go with and I don't buy much for myself. I remember why though.. I do not like not having money. (Funny sentence?) It makes me feel.. weird, strange, words. I don't know.
DEAD DISCO. DEAD FUNK. DEAD ROCK AND ROLL.
Good song. I need new bands, music, songs, ect ect. I like most things so it shouldn't be too hard but I just don't know what to search for or anything. I should charge my MP3 player while I'm thinking about this..
ABRUPT PHONECALLApparently the Dollar Store is hiring. I need to get a job.. Even if I did apply I doubt they would hire me since I'm dating an employee.
My train of thought derailed.
The days are going by quickly now. It seems that only yesterday I was up to my neck in problems and drama. Funny, isn't it? How things go by so quickly that in one blink they were there and in the next they weren't.. Or how something that only lasts a few minutes seems to drag on forever? What makes those certain moments in our life cease to exist or linger forever?
Hmm.
The last time I saw
the ex he wouldn't even look at me. When I asked him a question I got short, to the point, answers. I don't blame him though. I mean he must feel like shit. I was sad about
the ex today. I don't know why but something came over me and I missed him. I
thought I did anyway. After some time to think I realized that it isn't him I miss. It's the way things used to be that I miss. By things I mean.. big group of people hanging out and playing games then going out to dinner at 2 in the morning, road trips to Calgary and frequent McDonalds stops, trips to 7/11 for energy drinks. Now that I type this.. I've realized something else. It's not even the way things used to be that I miss.. it's the people that I had while doing it.
I'm afraid I'm going to lose that group of friends.
I suppose I'm just being silly. Friends come and go. I know how aweful that sounds but during my lifetime I have been taught that it is true. I do not have a single friend from my childhood. Think about it.. a friend from that past that you still talk to constantly today. Family is important to me because they're always going to be there. I guess that's not true either though.. I've heard a lot about people who don't have family but for me it is true.
Family is everything.I'm going to try and not worry about
them. By them I mean that group of friends. If they are my true friend then this whole thing wont get in the way of it. Besides I have made a whole handful of friends out of
this as well. Maybe I just leech friends and I don't really have any of my own?
Haha. That's not true.
I'm happy with my life. I have everything that a person needs to be happy..
